So here goes…
When you’re in your darkest place you find yourself faced with two equally frightening paths to choose from: to carry on fighting, each and every second
give up, give in and check out.
A 50/50 choice. I am fortunate, I chose the first path. The truth is that at that moment I didn’t choose to carry on fighting for me but for those around me, I just couldn’t bring that kind of pain to people who love me so much. I am glad that my rock bottom wasn’t low enough for me to lose sight of others, particularly because I know only too well that other people aren’t as fortunate. (Please know that this is very hard to for me to write).
To those close to me, please don’t be upset because I need you to know that you are the reason I chose to take the first path, and I can never thank you enough for that. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, thank you for standing by me.
You’ll be pleased to hear that the story gets a lot more positive now.
Here’s the funny thing, once you’ve made that scary decision to carry on, all the other day to day decisions you were so afraid of suddenly don’t seem so scary. It is as if by coming up against the thing I was most afraid of, the ultimate decision (let’s call it the big D), I got a little break from sweating the small stuff. Am I about to panic because a friend wants to come round, or because I have to go back to the doctors? No, because compared to the big D, this is easy.
I’m sure it isn’t like this for everyone, I don’t think that for one second, I can only write about what I have experienced. My worst fear is of going “mad” and losing control, but by deciding to carry on perhaps a bit of that control crept back. It felt like a temporary reprieve, and that if I was going to turn my life round, I needed to act quickly.
To be continued…