As some of you will know, in the summer of 2013 I spent 3 long weeks in my bedroom, racked with anxiety, knowing that something had to change. And that I have managed a big step recently, a little night out. This is the latest instalment in how I managed it….
I contacted a counsellor (recommended by my doctor), who specialises in person centred therapy. I expected that I was about to face the biggest battle of all, that I would be given weekly homework to conquer my fears, when all I wanted to do was hide!
It turned out that this wasn’t going to be the case at all. My counsellor is very gentle (which I need), there’s never any scary homework – instead we discuss things I want to do, how I feel about them, and how I might go about them. The main thing is she prompts me to rethink some of my assumptions, like… everyone thinks I’m boring because I’m quiet, that I have nothing to say, that people only invite me out or politeness, that I’m not “normal”, that I’m weak, I could go on….
Anyway, 12 sessions with my counsellor and I can now see that:
• Quiet people can be just as interesting, a room needs a mixture of quiet and loud people otherwise it would be hellish.
• I’m not boring, I have interesting things to say, I just tend to think about them before I say them, and only say things that I really believe in. (I feel a post about being an introvert coming on…)
• People may have a different perception of me to the one I believe to be true, and they might be right and I might be wrong (see Johari’s window)
• People invite me because they like me, people really aren’t that polite!
• People don’t judge nearly as much as I think they do, they’re busy in their own worlds, with their own thoughts.
• I need to be kinder to myself, and stop being so self-critical.
• I need to learn that just because I think something, doesn’t mean it’s true.
• I need to learn to look at the evidence for my beliefs a bit harder. I tend to think in terms of things “always” happening, which isn’t really true.
• I need to stop seeing everything as black and white, pass or fail.
• My perception of everyone else being “normal” is apparently skewed. In my head, everyone is “normal” except me, everyone else is capable of doing “normal” things without a second thought. I’m now figuring out that there is no such thing as “normal”, everyone is different, and everyone (or nearly everyone?) has something they struggle with. I’m still getting my head round this one – all my life I’ve wanted to be “normal”.
“Normal” people go out with friends, they stay over with friends, they see a band, they catch a flight. You know, “normal”, your average Joe? I am learning that the above quote is true, that we often only see the façade that people are happy to show the world – the “perfect” marriage that ends, the “perfect” colleague who hides their own struggles. But I still want to be NORMAL!
Some quotes I found on Pinterest about being normal:
(What are your thoughts around the word “normal”? How have you learnt to accept yourself – good and bad – and stop comparing? I am still struggling with this one…)
Back to the counselling. Through these sessions I have started to build up my belief in myself, to trust myself a little bit more. Previously, only staying out for an hour or so would mean I’d failed – I’d failed to stay out all night like “normal people” (to be honest, knowing I might only cope with an hour would mean I wouldn’t go out at all). Now I see the positives – just going out at all is a huge improvement, an improvement that can be built on gradually, in my own time. I try and give myself the encouragement that I would give a friend, instead of letting my harsh inner critic take over (that bloomin’ anxiety monster).
I still want to be “normal”, and I still have a HUGE fear of panicking, but I’m chipping away at that one. – more in the next post (on mindfulness)
All images from www.pinterest.com